A Pigeon's Revenge
so here's a story for you:
One bright day, Johnny and Billy were walking through a park on their way home and they saw a lot of pigeons eating popcorn and stale bread. A light bulb lit over Johnnys pointy head, he had an idea! The two devilish boys ran over to a newspaper stand and bought themselves a few packets of ALKA-SELTZER!!! They ran over near the flock of pigeons with ALKA-SELTZER in one hand and stale bread in the other. They eagerly opened the packets and shoved half-pieces of ALKA-SELTZER into pieces of stale bread and began tossing them to the pigeons.
One of the pitifully unfortunate and hungry pigeons, let's call him Marvin, happens upon this piece of bread and unknowingly eats it. Because this large piece of bread filled up this bird and he is no longer hungry, he flaps his wings and begins to fly away up into the air, just as the ALKA-SELTZER is hitting his stomach juices. BOOM! SPLAT! SPLOOSH! SPLAT! The sounds of pigeons parts falling to the earth form twenty feet. the ALKA-SELTZER had blown up the poor bird into many small, slimy, bloody-feathered pieces. Unbeknownst to Marvin's soul it continues on its flight upwards, only now it isn't in control. He floats up to the pearly gates of ST. Peter, and takes a number. He waited for his number to be called, and for himself to be served, listening to Michael Bolton and Elton John songs on the soft-rock station God liked so much, Purgatory. After thirty long years his number is called and he saunters up to the reception desk.
"NAME?" demands ST. Peter.
"Marvin" replied Marvin.
"The pigeon?" asked ST Peter not looking up from his big book o' souls.
"Yes" answered the befuddled pigeon.
"What the hell are YOU doing up here!?! You're not due for," looking at a calendar "oh wait, twenty-nine years ago." said the saltry saint.
"Well, I've been in line thirty, can I go back for a while?" asked the eager animal.
"Id love to say yes but you can't exactly return to your body."
"Well, are there any others I could use? I have urgent business to take care of." stated the pigeon with the devilish glare of a hellion straight out of reform' school.
"Aaaah.... Hold on, MURRAY!,"
"Yeah boss," called a haggard man in tattered angelic robes," how goes it?"
"Fine, Murray, but could you check the Basement for any un-inhabited bodies." demanded the fool politely.
"Yeah, sure, be back in a jiff!" he fell through the cloud that was the floor with the grace of fish out of water. He popped back up after a day or two to the pigeon, but two seconds to the rest of the dead. "SURE DO!," he shouted with excitement, "but it used to be a drunkard, not in very good shape."
"That's OK! That's OK! Ill take it! Ill take it! Marvin shouted with anticipation.
Alright then, follow Murray down and claim your new body. spoke the saint.
Thank You.... Later!!! he dashed into the janitor and heaved them both through the puffy plush planking and they fell gracelessly to the ground.
Murray quickly showed Marvin the way to his body. Marvin jumped in with a PLUNK! actually it was soggy and cold inside, dampening his spirits little because once again he was alive. As soon as he opened his eyes Murray was gone and some man in a business suit with a briefcase dropped a few coins into Marvins newly found tattered old Styrofoam coffee cup. A few days had passed since he acquired his body and all he could say was Coo. A month or two of begging and he had enough money to fulfill his plan.
He went on a shopping spree, first to Garys Liquor and Medical Supplies, then to Bobs bondage, then to Annies Glass emporium, then to Jakes Convenience Corner Store, and finally he went to find his old friend Johnny. It took him a while since he couldnt talk and could barely read but he eventually found Johnnys address and other pertinent information. Marvin the disgruntled ex-disembodied-ex-pigeon, arrived at the residence of one middle-aged Johnny A. Ssole, he was in his fortys and beat his wife and sodomized his two young boys. Marvin climbed up to the second floor master-bedroom window and peered in. Johnny was giving his wife a lesson. This was Marvins chance for revenge.
He climbed in the broken window, Johnny had just missed his wife with a hard-bound copy of the Bible, and reached into his trench coat to pull out the bags of newly purchased items. He took the bag from Bobs Bondage, and pulled out various devices of restraint, and proceeded to restrict his new friend on the bed. He commanded the wife to go get the children and being the submissive bitch that she had become she obeyed. The three pitiful members of the audience were seated facing their tormentor.
Marvin reached into the Convenience store bag and pulled out three bags of popcorn and three sodas. He distributed them amongst the crowd.
Now that the show was almost ready he had to prepare the subject for the treatment. Out of the Bobs Bondage bag he pulled two Clockwork Orange-esque eyelid openers, applying them to the fearful beasts eyes slowly as to let him think about what is happening. Almost ready now, Marvin thought to himself. There were two bags left yet untouched. Annies Glass Emporium, what could be so bad about that, Johnny thought to himself worriedly. But what he didnt know what was in the bag, Marvin pulled out ....... a ceiling mirror and he began to screw it to the ceiling above Johnny.
The last bag, the final bag, from Garys Liquor and Medical Supplies, out of which was pulled a scalpel! Marvin slowly marched forward towards his destiny, and the audience chewed intently like lobotomized cows. But as he approached the quivering body of his best friend Johnny, he stopped and said quite clearly Not feeling well, Johnny, well Ive got something to settle your stomach. From his left inner breast pocket he slowly moved a hand-full of ALKA-SELTZER packets into the view of their next client.
This was far to much for poor Johnnys bladder and he wet the bed and commenced weeping. Marvin carefully and skillfully cut through the idiots jeans careful not to hurt him. He cut straight lines up each leg and one across the crotch. With the soiled boxers exposed Marvin, after a slight gag, cut those away too. The tiny penis of his sobbing inmate periodically spouted urine and shriveled up. Marvin reached out intently and grabbed the balls with a hefty yank. He mad a two inch slit in the scrotum and inserted a heavy dose of, your friend and mine, ALKA-SELTZER; he quickly stitched up the wound and sat on the ground next to the felicitous family to watched the show.
Johnnys balls exploded all over the room leaving a gaping hole where his willy was. The walls and the audience were covered in blood and testicles. the children ralphed on the fathers face and the bed. The wife just stared with an intrigued and almost horny glare at Marvin. He stood up calmly and feeling complete, left the all-American family in peace, by jumping out the window.
Forgetting momentarily that he couldnt fly he sprawled out in the air and tried to flap his arms. Unfortunately he didnt fly and instead he landed flat on the familys dog. They both died slow agonizing deaths, too horrible to describe.