last night everyone in my apartment started calling me a male slut. this includes my roomates andy and renee, plus rob who lives down the street, his girlfriend who just met me last night, and alicia. wtf? I can't really deny it, i take what i can get, and it never sticks around. But does that make me a slut so much as just pathetic w/ low standards? They tried calling me a man-whore he-bitch, but i never get any money or anything close to payment. bastards all.

Something tells me i'm losing my sense of humor. so much to say, so little to say here.
~ [ MainMind : 1/13/2001 12:07:10 PM] *@*


trevor... your tacky link says you rate a 9.2 after 283 votes.... you should be damn proud, dude. you should post another pic and see if it gets the same ratings, call it an experiment or just funny... but do it anyway.

i had heard about that site before, AMiHOTorNOT.com, sometime in the fall, someone at school was telling me about it, i think it was Dave, he talked about it kinda jokingly, but trailed off with a "it's kinda cool..." so it makes one wonder if i went through the male entries, if i'd see ANOTHER familiar face (way to go, t-dawg) i'm guess i probably would. which brings up a very dangerous and potentially very bad thought, which i'm not going to explain on here for fear of it becoming a reality. hmm...scary...
oh, but if you didn't know before what that site is, you see, you take your picture, post it on this site, and you make a login name. people come to the site, can go through just female, just male, or either, and visitors get to look at the uploaded pix, to get to the next one in the library they have to vote 1 to 10 on the pic up then. the people who have login names can come back at any time to view their current score, it keeps track of number of votes, and the last time that whoever has last logged in to check their rating, so... tell me there isn't something just slightly... off(?) about that? i don't think i would have done what he did, i have not the selfesteem to enjoy getting a 1, nor the ego to think i could do much better, nor even the sense of humor enough to think it was funny enough to try... trevor's just crazy
~ [ MainMind : 1/10/2001 04:43:52 PM] *@*

Alright, so there's this sub shop here in Waltham that specializes in steak stuff, right, and they put a ton (well, ok, probably only a pound) of meat in the subs. Today i got a celebratory cajun cheese steak, with extra cheese, large. Now, sitting here, not cold, but not hot, comfy chair, bunch of engineering gibberish sitting on my desk waiting to be completed, stomach full of heavy warm steaky goodness (hey, jennnn, you should try a steak&cheese next), i'm veeeeeeeeeeerry sleepy, and think i only managed four hours of sleep last night, got up at 6. if it was much warmer in here, or just a little less draft from these old windows, i'd be asleep sitting up, dreaming. All day i've had something stuck in the back of my mind, i've had management problems explained to me half listening, i was given a failure analysis to do, some dudes were supposedly trying to help *me* out, but all they did was rattle off crap to one another, and talk about the other guy like he should be doing that instead of them, and by "that" i mean intend to help me figure it out but instead just intellectually masturbating himself and talking through me, i wouldn't respond to their babble anyway, i'd only been half there. i suppose it's a trade-off. if you get something you want the worry can go away, but a smug gloating inner self awakes to revel in the fresh triumph, well, not that it's really a triumph but it's just a damn good reason to be not paying attention to what you're doing. 'cept maybe if you're driving, then you'd wanna watch out, 'cause fucking up will get you some death, or heroin, so ya gotta be paying attention if you're driving or doing heroin. got that? good...
~ [ MainMind : 1/10/2001 03:41:47 PM] *@*


matfei i'm not distraught, i'm just disappointed. i get a hundredth the traffic you do, though, which proably would go right along with the hundredth of the content, but whatever, nor do i get the guestbook entries as much as you. i'm pretty happy with just getting you and trevor to reply somehow, it's two more than ever. maybe i'll sell out and become famous so everyone knows my name. Even better, i could pull some Timothy McVey action and become not famous, but notorious. Wouldn't put it past me, would you mr. internet reader? the internet tells five year olds how to build pipebombs, so it should be able to tell me how to make an atomic bomb, right??? i could bomb the inauguration of "president" george w. then i'd be a national hero. saving the world from such a fucking MORON... but...er... point being... i don'tknow.

oh, and, sean that's a gad-damn KRAZy weekend, how'z bout having the boston crew over and doin something like that for us, huh?
~ [ MainMind : 1/9/2001 04:38:57 PM] *@*

I've got to give major cred to Trevor, first because he listened to [read: obeyed] me and actually responded and second because he's fucking right and said what he said so well... you are hardcore, man.
~ [ MainMind : 1/9/2001 01:07:07 PM] *@*

i know i post shit and nothing meaningful, and not often enough, but fuck you, no one is reading this, and none of you respond to anything that shows up here. should that be a reason for me to increase posts and have more or better content? NO! it's a reason for me to be pissed at the collective YOU and myself. For writing shit, being shit. For people not ever making it known when something was appreciated, when something was loved, when something was understood. all this fucking information, we are the information fucking age, but we still don't COMMUNICATE the more we say the less we actualy SPEAK. pagers, cell phones, emails, instant messenging, constant news feeds and stock tickers, police radio scanners and trucker CBs, ham radios and k-band telemetry tracks, millions of millions of millions of bytes being transmitted every millisecond, electrons the untiring workhouse driving the grinding wheel of this societal soul mill, grinding us and our wills, our being and individuality down to a homogenized, safe, easily packaged and sold powder. We'll be bagged, tagged, barcoded and scanned, our numbers run through the system, gamblers calculating the odds, we're all horses in an unending race, every time we reach the final stretch, the finish line is pushed further back, the track is worn, the pack is tight and tired, tattered on the fringe. Those in front are tearing ahead with always renewed strength and vigor, the vast majority in the back slacking farther and farther behind in the dust, struggling up the ruts the rest of us have dug in the track for them, the walls too steep for them to find their own course through the mire. The few in the middle constantly eyeing the asses of the bastards ahead of them, hungry, lusting for their place, and blinded by clouds of dust obscuring their view of the back crowd, dust they only kick up in a futile attempt to catch the leaders. As the horses ahead of us stumble and fall, collapsing into mother earth's warm embrace, those who are forced to go over or around see it not for what it is, an omen of their future, but as a trick, an obstacle, put there by someone, something, to keep them from completing their dream of getting ahead.

is this the chase, A? is that what you like? are you begging for me to go against every sign you give, so that when it tires you to pretend to run, the goal which you would have completed anyway is just all the more sweet? are you trying to make wine of this? will i fail and turn it to vinegar? missed opportunities allowing everything to rot.

ok, so that last part is a bit unrelated to the first part, but only in the most literal of ways. the system is still closed. balance maintained, without the first, the second wouldn't mean so much, without the second, the first wouldn't seem so stupid. and everything must be stpid because we live in a world of C-'s and moron majorities.


[end rant]
~ [ MainMind : 1/9/2001 12:01:41 AM] *@*


all have graves
dug for us
but we don't
so we call them home
~ [ MainMind : 1/7/2001 02:23:56 AM] *@*